Divorce never stops hurting. I can't even count the number of times that I have said this sentence or had it run through my head. As a child, the pain of not being able to be with both my families, of never having my whole family in one place, was sometimes overwhelming. Perhaps this is why as an adult, when I have my husband, my children, and myself all together, I feel an overwhelming peace. Maybe that is why, as an adult, when one of my children is gone, it is like a piece of my heart is missing.
I knew when I got a divore as an adult, the guilt and pain would be infinitely worse. I KNOW what my children go through, and I know that it sucks. I do the best I can, I will never leave them, and I will never move them away from their father. But I know it still hurts them.
But it hurts me too. Today brings fresh woulnds and new tears- but wounds that must be hidden and tears that must be held in. Because, as a parent, I cannot let my children see how I hurt because that is unfair to them.
I have been planning to take my daughter to Taylor Swift the next time she comes. Yesterday, my husband told me to buy tickets. Today, I found out her stepmother is taking her. My dream. My daughter. Another woman. Divorce never stops hurting.
Just when everything is going along just fine, just when everyone is getting along, just when I am accepting a life in which my kids have two families, just as I think everything will be okay, BAM. Divorce never stops hurting. So, all day, I hold in the tears. So, all day, I stifle the pain. So, all day, I tell myself I have no right to be upset. I have no right to be selfish with my child's time. I have no right to let her know how I feel. I have lost those rights. I have lost that dream. I have lost that moment with my child.
I am the every day. I am the routine. I am the safety. The reliability. The one who will get her to school on time. The one who will make sure her homework is done. The one who does the laundry. The one who pays for the braces. The one who shows up to everything. The one who lets friends come over. The one who always has food on the table. The one who holds it all together. And it is expected of me. And I am glad to do it.
But sometimes, I want to be more than that. But that is wrong. And I just remind myself that this is my fault. That this is my doing. That as long as she is happy, I will be happy too. But that doesn't stop the pain.
Divorce never stops hurting.